One Last Post...

Well life has COMPLETELY changed since the last time I posted.  Over the past few months, I read some journals dad had written and I realized just how important documenting our time was to dad.  He had kept journals for the past few years, things I wanted to know and some of his darkest moments.  Dad knew I would eventually read them and for those few minutes while I read, I could feel him here.  I could hear him say the things he was writing.  His journals were not neat or spelled correctly, but they were his way of documenting his history.  Summer of 2010 were his last writings, writing had gotten tough for him so I guess he stopped.  So I felt that I owed dad one more entry, one more time to talk about his "history." 

So I will continue with our week at Hospice.  To start with, Hospice is an amazing place and the people who work there are Angels sent from Heaven. 

On February 23rd, Billy and I decided it was time to get married and we wanted dad to be apart of it.  When hospice started coming to the house, they ask dad what his long term goal was, and his answer "to see them (me and Billy) get married"...and he got his wish!   The nurses had tried not to up his medicine before the ceremony so that he would be aware of things, but the seizures were coming strong and more often.  The staff at Hospice seemed so excited to have a wedding there.  One of the nurses did flower arrangements, one nurse played the flute, they let my family hold a reception in the family room, our wonderful family and friends were able to come and celebrate with us, and best of all, Dad was there, dressed up for the occasion.  His nurse Jane even brought him a flower to wear.  Our preacher came to Hospice and preformed the ceremony and it was the most perfect day!  I married my best friend and my daddy had a front row seat.  I know he knew what was going on because at the end, I looked over and for a short second, he had a smile on his face.  Alot of family and friends came to see us get married and to see dad. 

The next day, February 24th,  around 9:30am, dad left this world...left his little girl behind.  He never wanted anyone to say "he battled Cancer," but he did and and he gave Cancer a fight like none other! 

I was rubbing his eyebrows when he took his last breath...I have come to terms that his battle is over, he feels better, he doesn't hurt anymore, he is walking and talking and cancer free...but it doesn't make it any easier for the ones he left behind.  Cancer is not just a fight for the patient but also for their family.  We have all fought it over the past year.  This fight will make you angry and mad and any emotion between. 

I was daddy's little girl through and through.  Daddy was an amazing man, he always worried he wasn't a good dad, but I couldn't have had a better one!

Grief is an awful monster too.  I fight it daily!  And now that the holidays are fast approaching it seems to get even worse.  Dad loved the family time during the holidays, he loved to cook, and see everyone enjoy themselves.  As I struggle, I am trying to remember him happy and enjoying life.  My mom reminded me this morning that dad would not want me to be sad, but to be happy with the memories dad left.  As I was reading my post from last christmas, I still feel the same.  It is not about the money we spend or the presents we buy, it is about spending time with the ones you love and creating new memories. 

So I guess this ends dad's blog and his fight with Cancer.  Cancer may have won this battle with dad, but it will never take away my wonderful memories of my dad's strength, determination, and love!

                                                              Me and My Boys!

Our first 6 hours of Hospice...

Today has definitely been a transition.  They moved dad to Hospice about 11:30 this morning.  He was so afraid he was going to a nursing home.  We convinced him they were moving him here to help him get better and because I had a cold.  We told him he could go home in a few days when he got better.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done.  He is so out of it.  Sometimes he is here and understands and then out of the blue he will say something off the wall.

His room is wonderful, it even has outside doors that has a garden outside his room.  I know this is the best place for him, but that doesn't make it any easier. 

It is so hard to see this strong, amazing man become someone so different....

My Traitor...

She will do anything for a head rub and to get to lay in front of dad's heater...she is so spoiled.

Hospice and Dad being silly...

Hospice is wonderful...I love dad's nurse, nures aid, and his social worker.  They have been so good to dad and I love them for that.  He has run other people off, but he even looks forward to them coming.  Dad is supposed to get a hospital bed today...he isn't very excited but his nurses aid convinced him to at least try it.  He has promised he would give it a month and if he doesn't like it, he can have his old bed back.  But I think it is going to help him so much.  He has to "turtle" on his back now to get up on his bed and I think he will be able to get in and out of bed so much easier.  They are also being a lift to help with dad.  That right side is getting more useless each day.

On Saturday we prepared his room, cleaned it up and took some of his old clothes to goodwill.  He had a hard time for that, he said it was like "packing up for a vacation that you know you aren't coming back from."  I told him that his closet had more clothes in it than I had taken to goodwill...we had been hanging his jogging pants, pj pants, and t-shirts in the laundry room so we really needed to make room in his closet for them.  But I know this is hard for him...he knows he is dying and I hate that.  I wish he would have never had to suffer or go through this...but for someone going through it...he has an AMAZING attitude...he is my HERO!

Billy gave me a FlipCam for christmas and I have been using it with dad to record different things.  He is so silly...when he is done talking, he just grins.  As I get more videos, I'll share some with everyone. 

Latest Update...

It has taken me a little while to come to terms with our latest doctors appointment.  We went to Dr. A (dad's oncologist) a few weeks ago and the news was not great.  As far as dad's scans and blood work, the cancer has not spread to his other organs, bones, or blood.  That information was great, but the overall visit was not so great. 

Dr. A asked me to go into the hallway, wanted to ask me about dad's meds, but when we got into the hallway, he told me that it didn't look good.  The headaches are coming more often and the continuous decline with the use of his right side are not good signs.  He told me that I should call in my siblings (thanks mom and dad...sure could have used one about now) and prepare.  Billy and I decided we did not want to share this information with dad, so if you speak with him, please respect our wishes.  Of course he "thinks" he knows, but we would rather him enjoy his time instead of worrying.

Hospice has been called in now...we have an aid 3 days a week, a nurse 1 day a week and a social worker once a month.  Dad has run everyone off before that we had come in, but he has met his match this time and they aren't going anywhere...I love it!!!  Dad has his good and bad days so to look at him sometimes, you would not be able to see what the doctor was seeing.  It is so sad to see the decline this awful disease has caused in just a little about 10 months.  An independent man, who loved to be active in the garden, in the garage, and free to do what he wanted has now been reduced to a man in a hover round who has to have help doing most things, can't walk, and has lost his independence.  I hate this disease, it infuriates me...I just get so angry sometimes that I can't fix this, make it better and take care of the problem. 

Dad has been so strong, he still has his sense of humor and that has helped us all.  He laughs and makes jokes about things, he says he isn't going to sit around and cry that he is going to make the best out of the time he has, but lately he has been making more of those "when I am gone" comments.  He told me the other night that he never wanted me to forget him...like that would ever happen.  For Christmas he gave me a willow tree father and daughter statue...he told me he always wanted me to keep it and remember him. 

We go back to Dr. A on Thursday...they are going to let us know if we are going to keep on with the chemo and if so, at what dose.  It seems to be making him sick and not making any difference.  We are also hoping they are going to order a CT of his head.  We know as of November 5th, his frontal lobe was swollen and that he had 5 masses in his head...just wondering what it looks like now.  I will keep everyone updated.

Over the past 10 1/2 months, I have come to learn the importance of the "small" things and to live each day to it's fullest.  During Christmas I found that the gifts were not what was important, but the fact of being with family, having my dad here...that was what was and is important.  A few months back I bought dad a book that had all kinds of questions in it...things about his childhood, school days, and adult life.  Well with the decline of his right side, he can't write in his book.  Because of this, my amazing honey bought me a flip cam for Christmas so I can record dad's answers.  I'll be sure to share some of those when I get them uploaded. 

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers...

Been a while...

Well since my birthday weekend, dad has had his ups and downs.  Dad had a chest, abdomin, and pelvis scan over a week ago and we find out the results this coming Thursday.  Neither one of us have wanted to call and find out the results so we are patiently waiting for Thursday.  Dad's theory is "no news or good news."  I"ll post more when we know.

Weekend Recap...

So about 4:30am Friday, dad woke up unable to breath or catch his breath.  Billy was in Charlotte at training so I called him.  Mom and I were unsure what to do.  When the ambulance show up, they were wonderful.  They took dad on in to the hospital to check him out. 

The doctor said many times specialist only look at what they specialized, and he was concerned with dads leg and the swelling so he wanted to check for blood clots.  Thank goodness he did.  He found that dad had multiple clots in each lung and some in his right leg.  He decided to admit dad. 

Dad was admitted and mom and I came home to finally get dressed...lol.  Billy came in late that night and I think that made dad very happy.  He loves us all, but he says Billy understands the doctors better...lol 

They started dad on blood thinner shots, got him feeling a little better and sent him home on Saturday.  He slept a lot yesterday, but he seemed to be feeling much better this morning.  As the day has gone on, his breathing has gotten a bit tougher for him. 

Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers...