One Last Post...

Well life has COMPLETELY changed since the last time I posted.  Over the past few months, I read some journals dad had written and I realized just how important documenting our time was to dad.  He had kept journals for the past few years, things I wanted to know and some of his darkest moments.  Dad knew I would eventually read them and for those few minutes while I read, I could feel him here.  I could hear him say the things he was writing.  His journals were not neat or spelled correctly, but they were his way of documenting his history.  Summer of 2010 were his last writings, writing had gotten tough for him so I guess he stopped.  So I felt that I owed dad one more entry, one more time to talk about his "history." 

So I will continue with our week at Hospice.  To start with, Hospice is an amazing place and the people who work there are Angels sent from Heaven. 

On February 23rd, Billy and I decided it was time to get married and we wanted dad to be apart of it.  When hospice started coming to the house, they ask dad what his long term goal was, and his answer "to see them (me and Billy) get married"...and he got his wish!   The nurses had tried not to up his medicine before the ceremony so that he would be aware of things, but the seizures were coming strong and more often.  The staff at Hospice seemed so excited to have a wedding there.  One of the nurses did flower arrangements, one nurse played the flute, they let my family hold a reception in the family room, our wonderful family and friends were able to come and celebrate with us, and best of all, Dad was there, dressed up for the occasion.  His nurse Jane even brought him a flower to wear.  Our preacher came to Hospice and preformed the ceremony and it was the most perfect day!  I married my best friend and my daddy had a front row seat.  I know he knew what was going on because at the end, I looked over and for a short second, he had a smile on his face.  Alot of family and friends came to see us get married and to see dad. 

The next day, February 24th,  around 9:30am, dad left this world...left his little girl behind.  He never wanted anyone to say "he battled Cancer," but he did and and he gave Cancer a fight like none other! 

I was rubbing his eyebrows when he took his last breath...I have come to terms that his battle is over, he feels better, he doesn't hurt anymore, he is walking and talking and cancer free...but it doesn't make it any easier for the ones he left behind.  Cancer is not just a fight for the patient but also for their family.  We have all fought it over the past year.  This fight will make you angry and mad and any emotion between. 

I was daddy's little girl through and through.  Daddy was an amazing man, he always worried he wasn't a good dad, but I couldn't have had a better one!

Grief is an awful monster too.  I fight it daily!  And now that the holidays are fast approaching it seems to get even worse.  Dad loved the family time during the holidays, he loved to cook, and see everyone enjoy themselves.  As I struggle, I am trying to remember him happy and enjoying life.  My mom reminded me this morning that dad would not want me to be sad, but to be happy with the memories dad left.  As I was reading my post from last christmas, I still feel the same.  It is not about the money we spend or the presents we buy, it is about spending time with the ones you love and creating new memories. 

So I guess this ends dad's blog and his fight with Cancer.  Cancer may have won this battle with dad, but it will never take away my wonderful memories of my dad's strength, determination, and love!

                                                              Me and My Boys!

Our first 6 hours of Hospice...

Today has definitely been a transition.  They moved dad to Hospice about 11:30 this morning.  He was so afraid he was going to a nursing home.  We convinced him they were moving him here to help him get better and because I had a cold.  We told him he could go home in a few days when he got better.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done.  He is so out of it.  Sometimes he is here and understands and then out of the blue he will say something off the wall.

His room is wonderful, it even has outside doors that has a garden outside his room.  I know this is the best place for him, but that doesn't make it any easier. 

It is so hard to see this strong, amazing man become someone so different....

My Traitor...

She will do anything for a head rub and to get to lay in front of dad's heater...she is so spoiled.

Hospice and Dad being silly...

Hospice is wonderful...I love dad's nurse, nures aid, and his social worker.  They have been so good to dad and I love them for that.  He has run other people off, but he even looks forward to them coming.  Dad is supposed to get a hospital bed today...he isn't very excited but his nurses aid convinced him to at least try it.  He has promised he would give it a month and if he doesn't like it, he can have his old bed back.  But I think it is going to help him so much.  He has to "turtle" on his back now to get up on his bed and I think he will be able to get in and out of bed so much easier.  They are also being a lift to help with dad.  That right side is getting more useless each day.

On Saturday we prepared his room, cleaned it up and took some of his old clothes to goodwill.  He had a hard time for that, he said it was like "packing up for a vacation that you know you aren't coming back from."  I told him that his closet had more clothes in it than I had taken to goodwill...we had been hanging his jogging pants, pj pants, and t-shirts in the laundry room so we really needed to make room in his closet for them.  But I know this is hard for him...he knows he is dying and I hate that.  I wish he would have never had to suffer or go through this...but for someone going through it...he has an AMAZING attitude...he is my HERO!

Billy gave me a FlipCam for christmas and I have been using it with dad to record different things.  He is so silly...when he is done talking, he just grins.  As I get more videos, I'll share some with everyone.